It’s the beginning of a new school year. I work at a higher education institution, so this time of year means interactions aplenty with parents of new college students, as well as new students themselves.
At these events, I’ve often observed parents asking one another about their children’s programs of study. And parents often respond with pride, “My daughter is pre-med biochemistry.” Or “He’s pre-law,” “He’s in engineering,” “She’s going into accounting.”
And parents often respond with pride, “My daughter is pre-med biochemistry.”
I hear this especially from global parents. I rarely hear “He’s studying English,” or “She’s studying art.”
Granted, sometimes the daughter herself genuinely likes biochemistry and has a proficiency in it. Sometimes the son is gifted and suited for engineering.
But a majority of the time, unfortunately, I encounter students a few years down the line in these STEM programs, with stress and self-doubt hanging heavy from their eyes and shoulders because of the expectation that they must continue in these programs though it’s not what they do well, nor what they want to do.
I get it.
Especially if a student is from an African, Asian, or immigrant background, their families often have high expectations and dreams for their children. A family who sends their child from a West African or East Asian country to a liberal arts college in the United States is not sending their child across the globe for that child to not become a doctor or engineer or accountant.
I get it.
But parents. As one who sees your children struggling with depression and anxiety, with poor grades in classes they hate but can’t quit because their parents expect them to stick it out, who don’t feel free to explore what vocation God has in store for them—I’m letting you know, this is doing harm to your child.
Please. Let your children be who they are. Let them become who they are, instead of forcing them to become who you expect them to be or want them to be.
I’m letting you know, this is doing harm to your child.
Sometimes (often), they are not meant to be a doctor. Or lawyer. Or engineer. Sometimes they want to study something else. Like art history or graphic design or British literature. And they understand that you don’t find that to be enough. And because they are interested in that, they feel they are not enough.
Now, university can be hard. Stepping into adulthood is a transition that can prove tricky even for the most resilient young people. I can anticipate the “tell them to buck up, they can take it” responses that are bound to come.
But the kind of struggle I am talking about is not one that can be weathered with just a little more gumption, will, or self-discipline.
The kind of struggle I am talking about is not one that can be weathered with just a little more gumption.
The kind of struggle I am talking about is a young person feeling like who they are is not allowed.
And do you know what that engenders? Crisis. Emotional, mental, physical, spiritual crisis. This is what follows when a student feels torn between who they are and how God is leading them, and the expectations of their parents and families.
I work with students deep in programs or coursework that are often in the STEM fields who are miserable. They often cannot do the actual work that is required of them, and in their words, “their souls are dying.”
And do you know what that engenders? Crisis.
That is not a millennial being dramatic. That is a young person recognizing the dissonance in their souls from following a path that was prescribed for them in contrast to who they find themselves to be and where their giftings lie.
Parents, let your children be who they are.
Now, I am not a parent. I cannot speak first-hand to the difficulty of raising and being responsible for another human life. I realize the fraught ground I tread on now in telling parents how they ought to parent here.
But, I can say as one who has been raised by parents that the most precious thing you can give to your child is to help them discover who God has created them to be. Not who you want them to be. But who God has made them to be.
Parents, let your children be who they are.
And I can speak as one who works with your children, parents—what they are dying to hear and receive from you is your support and permission to go figure out who they actually are.
I want to encourage you parents to be aware and mindful of what social and cultural forces are acting upon you and your wishes for your children to be a particular something. Remember that a few centuries ago, the vocations you may look upon disdainfully now were the respectable vocations, and that these things shift. And to our shame, it is the arts and humanities that are seen as fluff, when that’s the very stuff that keeps culture alive and progressing.
Young people, students: I want to encourage you to know yourself and be honest with yourself.
Can you consider that this perhaps isn’t what God has made you for, and that that’s ok?
I know the pressure is real—the pressure we put on ourselves, the pressure we feel from our communities. But if you feel like your soul is dying doing what you’re doing—can you consider that this perhaps isn’t what God has made you for, and that that’s ok?
Go and figure out what makes you come alive.
I suspect in the course of that, you will learn from others in those areas how they earn a living. Most importantly, you will be alive and feel alive.
Go be by yourself and commit to being as honest and truthful with yourself as possible.
To the young people, here is an invitation to you: go be by yourself and commit to being as honest and truthful with yourself as possible, and ask yourself these questions:
Parents, let your children be who they are.
Students – step boldly into who God has made you to be.
Students – step boldly into who God has made you to be, and become who you are. You can only be you.
[Photo by Yingchou Han on Unsplash]
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