Manipulation Tactics that Silence

Trigger Warning: this blog references abuse, victimization, and manipulation tactics  

As a safe church team member and parent of young children, I am always on the lookout for recommended children’s books that help teach children about boundaries and safety. One of these books is called “Not Everyone is Nice: Helping Children Learn Caution with Strangers”. Most people have heard the term stranger danger, and this was one of the things my mother consistently warned me about growing up. I learned to always lock the doors at night, not to get in the car with anyone I didn’t know, never to talk to strangers online, and not to accept candy from a stranger unless it was Halloween and came in a store-bought wrapper.

This particular book is helpful in educating kids around the notion that not everyone you meet has good intentions, despite nice words and smiles, but while this book was recommended and certainly has helpful information for children to stay safe around strangers, its primary focus was on people your children don’t already know. It wasn’t until I was older and more informed that I realized the overwhelming fact that most sexual abuse and exploitation survivors are abused by people that are known to them and already present in their lives in some way.

In one study done by the Justice Research and Data division of the Canadian Government, over half of all self-reported sexual assaults were perpetrated by a friend, acquaintance, or neighbor. This percentage is likely higher as according to this same study, the majority of sexual assaults go unreported due to fear of not being believed, lack of support and resources, lack of knowledge on when and how to report the abuse, and feelings of shame.

How do we properly educate children and congregations?

According to one of the largest anti-sexual violence organizations in the U.S. called RAINN, which stands for Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, “of sexual abuse cases reported to law enforcement, 93% of juvenile victims knew the perpetrator. Of that 93%, only 7% were strangers to the victim. Over half of the perpetrators were acquaintances to the victim and 34% were family members.

When I think of my own traumatic abuse experiences and those of friends and family members, almost all of the abuse was perpetrated by someone related to or associated with their family or friends, by people in positions of trust or authority in their lives. Sometimes, the perpetrators are within the congregation and within the leadership of the church. How do we properly educate children and congregations about people we already know who may not have good intentions or boundaries who may be at risk of abusing others? I’m certainly not recommending a church leader witch hunt nor am I encouraging fear mongering, but rather I want to bring awareness to the reality of the abuse of power within the church and church leadership and the common tactics shown by those who misuse their power. Awareness and prevention are vital to protect the vulnerable and to prevent perpetrators within the church from continuing harming others.

Many times, there are signs that something is amiss within a particular church or surrounding a particular church leader. When a church leader is accused and guilty of abuse, there are several ideal responses we would like to see, which include, admitting their wrongdoing, acknowledging the harm they caused, taking responsibility and accountability for their actions, and showing true remorse and repentance. Unfortunately, a different response and pattern is often seen by perpetrators that is known by the acronym DARVO, which stands for:

This manipulation tactic can cause much uncertainty and turmoil in a church when abuse allegations are brought forward. The first common response of this acronym focuses on denial, where a perpetrator denies the abuse took place, oftentimes gaslighting the victim and others.  Gaslighting, explained by Psychology Today,

“is an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth.”

The A in the acronym refers to the perpetrator attacking the character, reputation, validity, and word of the victim. Lastly, RVO of the acronym refers to the perpetrator reversing the victim and offender roles, making themselves a victim of false allegations and the victim the offender.

Another book recommended to me was one our safe church team participated in as a book study. The book is called ‘A Church Called Tov: Forming and Goodness Culture That Resists Abuses of Power and Promotes Healing’. The authors highlight how toxic church leadership handles criticism or allegations of abuse using all aspects of the DARVO tactic, from denying the allegations, attacking and gaslighting those that are speaking out against them, and reversing the role of victim and offender.

This dangerous and harmful response can prevent whistleblowers and victims from coming forward. It’s important for church councils and congregations to recognize and validate this manipulation tactic so victims of abuse in the church are heard and taken seriously, removing doubts of the victim’s allegations. This helps to ensure victims can both seek and receive support and justice and promote a church of safety and transparency. When bringing allegations forward, the Safer Church Ministry of Thrive recommends a written statement of allegations to be brought to the church council which can help focus the assessment and the reason for bringing the allegation forward. The support and presence of a victim advocate is also useful during the allegation process to encourage and support the person coming forward. Not only does recognizing this tactic help abuse survivors seek justice, but it also aids in preventing perpetrators from harming more people and ideally starts a journey of accountability and transparency.

Many people are quick to believe a church leader over the person coming forward due to fear, and while false allegations are possible, they are much less common than people may realize. In most cases of abuse allegations, the allegations are true, so if someone comes forward in your church, pay attention to the response of the church leadership and recognize DARVO when and if it unfolds. Reach out to your local, classis or denominational safe church team for support, information, or for an investigation if you recognize a DARVO response in your congregation and need assistance.

Resources:

Thrive: Safer Churches Contact Information: safechurchministry@crcna.org

Resources for Hosting a Book Study of A Church Called Tov

Photo by Alex Wolowiecki on Unsplash