Must Christians Always be Nice?

The other week, while on vacation, my two youngest kids and I were happily soaking in our hotel’s hot tub. Across from us was a swimming pool, which two girls, aged five and 15, entered. Their mother sat nearby.

Immediately, a large young man in his early twenties beelined toward the girls. He seemingly had a mild developmental disability, but he was also being intentionally aggressive. While splashing them, he began loudly asking highly personal questions. Their mother didn’t react.

As he advanced on the teenager with a menacing posture, she inched backwards until she was pressed against the pool’s edge. Her body language showed both discomfort and an attempt at being nice. The mama bear in me went on full alert. 

Suddenly, he banged his arms down on either side of her. Then, he grabbed her hands and began swinging them around. 

The moment he let go, she shot out of the water, and scrambled over to her mother—who didn’t react. With the man waiting for her in the water, the girl looked unsure what to do. 

This disturbing incident left me mulling over the pressure on girls and women (and sometimes boys and men) to be nice at all costs. 

While I never parent other people’s children, especially right in front of them, the mother in me had to act. Grabbing my cane and communication board, I clambered out of the hot tub and made my way over to the girl and her mother.

“You can tell him to stop if he’s making you uncomfortable,” I wrote on my board. 

I wanted her to know she had the power to say no. She didn’t have to be nice and accept harassment, even if the man had a disability.

This seemed to unleash something in the mother, who quickly added her agreement. Just then, the girls’ father entered the room and joined the younger daughter in the pool, and the mother shepherded her older daughter out of the pool area.

The man then attempted to yell at the little girl—but the dad would have none of it and protected his child.

This disturbing incident left me mulling over the pressure on girls and women (and sometimes boys and men) to be nice at all costs. 

The pressure can be even higher for social justice-minded Christians; it can be a particularly confusing and complex road to navigate. We well understand our calling to love our neighbours as ourselves. (Mark 12:31). Often, we’ve devoted our lives to acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with our God (Micah 6:8). We care deeply for vulnerable people. 

Many of us were taught back in Sunday School that if someone hits you on one cheek, you are to offer him your other cheek to hit as well. 

No person has to be passively “nice” in the face of abuse. 

How does all this align with setting safe and appropriate boundaries? Is it wrong for Christians to say “no” when mistreated? Do we have to be nice in the face of abuse?

What if the person doing the mistreatment is a vulnerable person, such as the man in the pool who had a disability?

As a person with a disability myself, as well as the mother of four kids who all have disabilities, I long for an inclusive and accessible world. I dearly hope people will show my kids extra grace, understanding, and kindness, especially when they struggle with social skills or behaviour. 

However, having a disability is not a pass for mistreating someone. Even if the man in the pool’s disability meant he lacked the social awareness to realize he was being inappropriate or was unable to reel his behaviour in—the young woman still didn’t have to passively accept harassment. No person has to be passively “nice” in the face of abuse. 

Dawn Wilson, on the website Bible Study Tools, questions if the cheek-for-a-cheek scripture means Jesus wants his followers to be doormats, allowing others to beat them up. “Is this a call to compliant and weak surrender to aggressors? Pacifism? Even religious masochism?” 

She argues that Jesus meant that when someone attacks our right to respect or dignity, we are not to retaliate or vengefully defend that right.

“Turning the other cheek, at its root, involves not retaliating against insult or abuse, but rather, responding with humility and courage in the fear of God.”

“If I really needed a friend, I would be so upset if they didn’t show up for me when I asked."

She notes that a Christian’s primary attitude should be to not return evil for evil (1 Peter 3:9). When a person wrongs us, we are to respond with humility, wisdom, purity, a focus on Jesus, peacemaking, love, prayer, and the blessing of others. However, Wilson also unequivocally states it is critical to take a stand against abuse and severe mistreatment, be it in a marriage, workplace, or elsewhere. “In these cases, turning the other cheek does not mean, ‘It’s OK to keep hurting me’ — letting the offender off the hook. A proper response might mean setting boundaries, removing oneself from the situation, or learning how to best respond from a position of strength and dignity in Christ.”

According to Christian author Molly Wilcox, Jesus demonstrated clear boundaries with people in his life. “Throughout the Bible we can see why boundaries are important, and even which boundaries are important.”

For example, John 11 details how Jesus’ friends Mary and Martha were frustrated with him for not immediately coming when their brother Lazarus was sick. He stayed away two extra days.

“This story is taught so many ways, but what I notice is how intense this interpersonal conflict is,” writes Wilcox. “If I really needed a friend, I would be so upset if they didn’t show up for me when I asked. But Jesus honored His own boundary.”

“He didn’t let some of his friends demand him to go back on his boundary and change his mind, even in a time of crisis. Instead, He came when He could. He didn’t apologize for His boundaries, He set boundaries lovingly and intentionally and we have the freedom to do so as well.”

Photo by Şahin Sezer Dinçer on Unsplash